Sunday, August 22, 2004

The reason Sabertooth tigers are extinct.

It is my belief that Society started going down hill when the Sabertooth Tiger got itself extinct. But the funny thing is it’s only been in the last few years that We have understood WHY Saber’s went out of business, and the true horrifying effects of this tragedy. Anthropologists have discovered that the reason that Sabertooths are no more is because of two reasons.

Sex and Fashion

Yep ladies and gentlemen one of the greatest predators ever to prowl the jungle got whacked off by man’s desire to not to have to.
(Read that again, you’ll get it)

Sex is a pretty powerful drive and men will do some pretty stupid things for it. Like tricks on motorcycles, or bungee jumping or listening to Celine Dion. But it was in the earliest times that men would do REALLY stupid stuff, like going after 1 ton man eating cats with sharp little pointy sticks.

It is hypothesized that the first “kill” probably wasn’t an actual kill but an accident. Grog the caveman got lucky running for his life from one of the big kitties. Cat probably missed and impaled himself on a tree or something dumb. For no SANE man would go after one. (Note this statement for future reference.) But Man being a scavenger, and an opportunist, quickly deprived the Tiger of his fur and strolled back to camp decked out in his new duds. Which must have been quite a scene. So Grog got him self a new set of clothes and a reputation for being a badass. Now do you really think he could’ve told the truth when some little cavegirl thing looked at him with those big round firm eyes and asked him where he got his fur from? Bastard lied though his teeth, that’s what he did. And like all men have since.

So Grog got the girl. Sounds like a nice story, happily ever after, blah, blah, blah roll credits, fade to black.

But it doesn’t end there.

Because Grog’s buddies noticed what happened. And what was happening, every night when they were trying to sleep, but couldn’t what with all the moaning, yelling and screaming going on. And they were pretty smart people too, figuring out that if they wanted to be doing some moaning, yelling and screaming they should be looking to find some of those Tiger Fur coats too, because the girls really liked them, and they could be found hanging around with Grog. (Who up to that time had been sort of a geek.) So the Best and Brightest went out trying to find some of those coats. And some of the Worst and Dimmest too. Which things being as things are, tend to make for Fat Happy Tigers, and a whole lot of moaning, yelling and screaming going on from the survivors.

But after a while, the children of the survivors got smarter. This being a direct result of all the yelling and screaming going on. And the Cats got Fatter until it really was no contest. Smart survivors, (Real ones, not the television show ones, Ever try and Vote a 1 ton kitty off your chest? Ain’t gonna happen.) And the Cats became extinct. So Man had to move off to other furs, then to cotton and other fibers and eventually to Plastic. Which doesn’t run at all, is relatively non-threatening, and makes for Fat Happy People.

Unfortunately we ran out of Tigers before we ran out of the Worse and Dimmest. Who quickly, with the discovery of Plastic, invaded bars and lounges waving their plastic around, in a pathetic attempt to prove that they can function, (if not as a provider then at least as a borrower), in what can barely still be recognized as the ancient mating ritual. The Best and Brightest stumbled around in confusion, unable to tell Which was Which and Who’s was Who’s. Then the Plastic really started working and enhanced the individuals by creating Breasts where there were none and Hair where it was once barren. The Worst and Dimmest (WDs) were able to fully integrate themselves with the Best and Brightest (BBs).

And then the BBs bred in with the WDs. Increasing the population of the WD’s. (WD being a dominant gene). Soon the world was over run with Salesreps and Midlevel Managers, Used car salesmen, Mall Security guards and Realtors.

Which is why Sabertooth tigers are extinct.

And why it’s still called “Pussy” today.


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